Actuarial jokes

1. Question: Why did actuary write in the will to bury him in Israel by all means?
Answer: Chances of resurrection are bigger there.

2. An actuary, an accountant, an old woman and a young girl are travelling by train. The train enters a tunnel and a sound of slap is heard in darkness. Compartment lights up and the accountant has a trace of five fingers on the face.
The old woman thinksperhaps the accountant pinched the girl and she gave a slap.
The blonde girl thinks: Perhaps the accountant wanted to pinch me, but he pinched the old woman by mistake and she slapped him.
The accountant thinks: Perhaps the actuary pinched the blonde girl in darkness and she slapped me by mistake
The actuary thinks:I wish the train would enter the next tunnel to give this damned accountant a slap back.

3. Two Georgians are speaking:
– You know, today I went to the insurance company and insured my land against fire and hail.
– So, fire is clear, but how are you going to cause hail?

4. English actuaries სcan exactly calculate how many people will die in 2005 and how many of them will be killed violently, but Sicilian actuaries even know their surnames.

5. Actuaries are people, who missed four years in a primary school, while other children learned simple words in kindergartens.

6. A doctor, an engineer and an actuary are arguing about whose profession is the oldest:
The doctor: “God created Eva from Adam`s rib and this is a real surgical operation.”
The engineer: “God had made chaos into order and that is engineers` business.”
The actuary: “But how you think, who had caused the chaos?”

7. In workers` compensation insurance pension is given to alive spouses till death or remarriage. So, marriage is an actual equivalent of death.

8.What does an actuary`s wife, do when she has insomnia?
She asks her husband: Dear, tell me again what do you do at work?

9. What is insurance?
It is the auto where the sale`s manager is pressing accelerator, the underwriter is pressing brake and the actuary is looking out from the rear-view and giving directions where to go